


As You Are

by prototyping



Category: Tales of the Abyss
Genre: Friendship, Gen, General, and no one is surprised, luke is hard on himself, not your traditional hurt/comfort, platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-03
Updated: 2016-02-03
Packaged: 2018-05-18 00:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5891872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prototyping/pseuds/prototyping
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke, Jade, a late-night meeting and some unexpected (if vague) sort-of-sympathy. Genfic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As You Are

Luke started awake amid a painful skip of his heart, his skin and the sheets around him soaked in sweat. He quickly sat up, endeavoring to keep his panting quiet, and looked around the inn bedroom as well as he could in the low lighting.

A bed over, Guy was still asleep. The farthest bed was empty.

Letting out a shuddering breath, Luke dropped his face into his hands and allowed his trembling to take over. The shiver worked its way through his shoulders down to his knees, strong enough to make the old mattress creak here and there. His eyes burned, his jaw ached, and his palms felt itchy and raw.

He hadn’t quelled the tremor in his body by the time he stood up a few minutes later, but he didn’t care. He felt suddenly claustrophobic, among other things. He went to gather his jacket, but found Mieu curled up in it at the foot of the bed, sleeping soundly. A vague shadow of what might have been a sad smile touched Luke’s face; he left the jacket where it was.

The hall was silent and empty. He made his way idly towards the front of the inn, no particular destination in mind, but the images of his latest nightmare wouldn’t be shaken off so easily. The tables downstairs were barren, the desk that housed the innkeeper during the day empty. Luke passed partway through the area in silence, and then stopped to lean against a table and press a fist to his forehead, grimacing as he sighed in something like defeat. A headache was coming on.

“Awfully late for a boy to be wandering around.”

Luke jumped about a foot in the air. Whirling around, he took several seconds to find the source: at the backmost table, nearly invisible in the shadow of the furthest corner, Jade sat with a cup of tea. He watched Luke with the usual bland expression, that eccentric, unreadable smile in place.

Once his heart stopped hurting, Luke shook his head, the motion – along with his doubled pulse – making his skull pound harder. “I could say the same about an old man.” The jab lacked the full punch of his usual sarcasm, or even much of his spirit. It came out flat, almost, even to him.

Jade observed him for a few silent seconds, his features a cool mask, and then finally looked away only about half an instant before it would have started bordering on creepy. Well, creepi _er_ , considering who it was. “Perhaps,” he agreed, sipping his tea. “But considering I’m by no means _wandering_ , I will assume you’re not referring to me.”

Luke snorted lightly.

There was a momentary pause, interrupted only by the creak of light movement upstairs and some of the usual city sounds in the distance. Porcelain clinked as Jade set his cup down.

“Of course, I wasn’t exactly referring to you, either, considering you look too distracted to be wandering.”

Luke didn’t look at him. “…Couldn’t sleep,” he said quietly after a moment.

Another silence, this one with a little weight.

“Three battles today,” Jade recalled, his neutral voice lowering some itself. “All with humans.”

Luke said nothing.

“Are they any less frequent than before?”

Luke winced. His first thought was to deny it altogether – but Jade already knew. He’d known for a while. Going defensive was a quick secondary reaction, but Luke bit it back, reminding himself that there was nothing sarcastic or mocking in Jade’s tone. The man didn’t often show it, and not always in obvious ways, but he cared.

“…No,” Luke admitted. He crossed his arms, his eyes narrowing as he stared at the wooden floorboards. “They’ve… been worse lately.” He couldn’t help fidgeting. He’d never really talked to anyone about his nightmares; it made him feel uncomfortable, vulnerable, and worst of all, despite Jade’s past words, it made Luke feel weak.

“That’s natural,” said Jade coolly. Luke reflexively shot him a look, to which Jade shrugged. “I told you before, Luke. It’s a rational reaction when your mind isn’t certain how to cope. Added to how little rest you’ve had lately, the psychological pressure of everything you’ve been dealing with, and the increase of encounters on the roads, it’s no surprise.”

“But I shouldn’t—” Luke stopped, and then sighed. “I can’t… I shouldn’t be letting this get to me. Not now. I don’t have…”

“Time?” Jade offered. Luke didn’t answer. “…You’re a terrible liar, Luke,” said Jade suddenly after another silence. “Partially because you’re simply not meant to hide your emotions.”

“Heh…” The chuckle was bitter. “That’s just an excuse, isn’t it?”

Jade, still unreadable, watched him for another short pause. “If you truly wanted to, you could devote all your time to building walls around your heart. You could eventually become an expert at smothering your emotions, if that was what you really wanted. But I think you would find yourself making _more_ excuses in that situation, not less.”

“More?”

“Mm.” It was an affirmative but grim sound. “It’s a common defense mechanism, especially in the military. You push your emotions into the background because you fear they’ll interfere with your job; your morality soon follows, and in the worst-case scenario, you’re obeying some unsavory orders, such as harming civilians -- or executing the princess and the Duke’s son.”

Glancing aside, Luke didn’t comment on that, although he had wondered more than once about the Knights in Baticul. A couple had apologized; as for the rest, he didn’t know if they regretted committing treason, even if they had been under orders. Fear of the Score notwithstanding, was that really the price of too much self-control?

“Of course, turning emotional at the drop of a hat isn’t a habit I recommend, either,” Jade added. In pure Jade-style, he pointed out, “But you’ve learned that firsthand already.”

“...Yeah.” Luke tried to smile, tried to look as flippant and unfazed as he would under any other topic. “I guess finding the balance is where I screw up, huh?”

“Balance…” Jade said that quietly, as if musing over it. “Yes… in a way. But considering the face you put on during the day, has it occurred to you that these nightmares may be your subconscious trying to ‘balance’ in the only way it knows how?”

Luke thought about that, frowning.

Jade stood up. “Oh, well,” he went on, his tone abruptly and overly cheerful, “I’m no psychologist. I’ve only been around several times as long as you have, but who knows? Perhaps I’m going senile and this is all just the wild, baseless conjecture of a lonely old man.” Hands clasped behind his back, he moved towards the stairs, but stopped beside Luke without turning towards him. The low lantern lighting caught the lenses of his glasses, hiding his eyes behind an orange glare.

“It doesn’t make you weak, Luke,” he said quietly. “Surviving means regretting, which in turn may help you to survive -- in its own way.”

Looking up at him, Luke breathed a semi-laugh. “ ‘What doesn’t kill you,’ right?”

“Something like that. But survival alone doesn’t mean much; it only makes you stronger if you put forth the necessary effort.”

Necessary effort. That was similar to what Tear had said: change didn’t just happen on a whim. Neither did strength, apparently. Luke nodded slowly. “Is that something else you saw in the military?”

“Yes.” Jade resumed his stroll across the room, not once glancing back. “But I have to say, you’re the most drastic case I’ve seen.” He hesitated just long enough to make Luke curious before clarifying, “And by ‘drastic,’ I mean the most successful.”

It took Luke a couple heartbeats to realize that the afterthought was a shaded compliment -- or at least reassurance. Smiling, now to himself, he almost let it go at that; but as Jade reached the top of the stairs, Luke threw out, “Thanks.”

Jade paused for all of a second. Luke wasn’t at all surprised when he continued to disappear beyond the second floor, the gratitude seemingly ignored.


End file.
